It is so difficult to organize every days living. "Normally" I have muesli/cereal for breakfast and either rice or bread for lunch and then bread again for dinner.
But sometimes I get confused and me and my routine get separated. Or I'm just too tired to have breakfast before I go to work. Then I just prepare a bread for the lunch-break and leave my apartment without breakfast. Maybe I grab some gummi bears, maybe not. Then I have the bread at the lunch-break at work and for dinner it depends again on my motivation. If I'm motivated and not too stressed from work I make another bread. But if I'm too stressed or too tired I just distract myself until I'm really hungry and then I have gummi bears because that is the fastest way to get some energy.
On weekends it is sometimes even worse. On some days I need till 3p.m. to start eating, and I don't know what happens to this time... often I don't eat but go to sleep instead, because I feel so out-of-energy (but not hungry). And even if I'm hungry I'm not really motivated to eat. I have no appetite. It's like brushing teeth. It's necessary and I know it, but nobody likes brushing teeth.
So at the weekends it is often even worse because there is no lunch break where I "have" to bring (or buy, I choose bringing) some food. So I can stick to gummi bears if I want to. (Of course I could bring gummi bears to the lunch break at work, but I know that this would not be appropriate.)
I don't feel good with this. But it is so difficult to change something.
Showing posts with label eating-disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating-disorder. Show all posts
Monday, January 21, 2013
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Is life going to get better?
Ever since I have developed memory, and probably even before, I am hoping* that one day I will finally feel better. (*even though the hope fades away more and more because I get in touch with reality more.)
And I think the question all is about is: is this going to happen, is it worth to withstand hard times in your life even if they endure and finally is life worth living?
The last part of the question is of course the most difficult to answer. There are hole books with hundreds of pages about it. And the possible answers are anything but simple...
The other question - for me - is are things going to improve? Of course, if one is truly happy, one doesn't have to hope that things improve. If everything is fine, that's fine. But if you are ill, or suffer from a disorder like anxiety or depression or OCD or psychosomatic pain or something similar (or completely different but another bad thing) or are simply not happy, you maybe hope that you will be able to overcome this one day. So do I. So did I.
I want to explain you.
When I was a child, I was not happy. I had a lot of anxiety and I was easily scared and also a lot of negative things happened (abuse), probably because I was just too stupid to tell anyone (I thought they would know anyways. It didn't came to my mind that someone who doesn't see doesn't know if I don't tell. I didn't get this at all.) There have been moments when I have had hope or felt some kind of happyness, though. I remember a situation, where I was walking up the stairs (I don't know why I have exactly this picture in my head) thinking I was pregnant (I didn't know about biology, or maybe I didn't wanted to know) and I was happy (or had hope or something like that) because I thought this child I would give birth to would understand me. I felt understood by this child (I was like 6 or 7, so a child myself). This kept me living for a long time (not only this situation of course, it was just an example because I remember it so clearly like it was yesterday).
At school I was bullied a lot, because I was very different from the other pupils. But I was in my own world and I didn't value the opinion of the other people in my class, so I guess this made it less painful. Even though sometimes it was physically painful and one thing I hated a lot was when they stared at me or tried to put my trousers of. But I didn't understand a lot of the words they said to me and I didn't even tried to understand. Also for the bullying it came out a few years later that my parents didn't know. I always thought they knew because it was just so natural for me. But I most probably never told them.
Of course, due to this, I didn't liked school, and I didn't liked going home. But I somehow was still able to live. At a certain point I started cutting, but at that point it really helped me. And as I didn't wanted to stop it wasn't a struggle.
In 1994 my father got diabetes type 1 which is a common disease (not as common as diabetes type 2, but still quite common). The problem is, that he can't handle this disease very well and was in coma due to hypoglycemia several times. For several years we had to call the ambulance like once every two weeks or so... My parents fight over this a lot: what my father eats, how his blood-sugar levels are and so on...
I have always been a thin child and I've never enjoyed eating. My weight has always been around or under the 3rd percentile. A few years (about 2) before my higher school diploma I started to sometimes walk home from school or taking the bike to and from school even though I had a long way to go to school (about 15-20 km / 9-12 miles each direction).This was calming me down. The problem was that I also reduced my calorie intake to almost zero (in 2004). I liked to watch my body wasting away. I liked the feeling of almost fainting. I liked the energy bursts I got from diet coke. So I went down to a really live-threatening low weight. Strangely enough I remember this time as a good time. I was too starved to worry.
I was admitted to hospital at that weight. The first days were an up and down (emotionally). I felt alone (even tough I was not more alone than before) and scared. But physically I started to feel better really fast. The first day (or first few days, I don't remember) they only gave me sugar through an i.v.. This increased my energy levels so much. I could walk around the hospital flors (with the i.v. in my arm). This felt great, because before I was admitted, I could barely walk anymore. Then they put a stomach-tube down through my nose. And then something was wrong with my blood so I was put on intensive care. There I got an port to fed me. I don't remember that time very well. My brain was very dizzy and I got lots of medications. After that I got a stomach-tube again because I was "released" into closed psychiatry. The time in psychiatry was very stressful to me and I think that they made so many thinks false. They didn't explain anything to me (maybe they thought it would be clear and everybody would now, but it wasn't and I didn't realize some obvious things) and I haven't had therapy. It was just being locked up, not much more. Maybe I will write a comment / blog entry about that time one day later, it's too much for now.
From this psychiatry I was referred to a psychosomatic unit at a hospital and than from there again to several psychiatrys. It would take to long to tell all this now.
But I gained my weight back. Have already been at a low weight (BMI around 14-16 range) when all this started (or got really serve) and I still was underweight when I finally left psychiatry. However, I have never had a therapy for an eating-disorder. I have had one for the cutting in one of the psychiatrys though. It was no talking-psychotherapy, but a therapy where they told you that you should try to focus on other things.
I don't know if it is due to the fact that I have never "relearned" (or even learned form childhood on) normal eating, I was very confused when I had to decide and eat on my own. I didn't know when and what to eat and when I'm full or hungry. This ended in a overeating (binging would maybe be a too strong word as my binges haven't been so big) - purging circle. This lasted the hole time I spend in university, but I finally got it under control. I'm still underweight, though.
During that time at university I also developed a headache which occured everyday. I went to a lot of doctors and tried a lot of medications but nothings seemed to work also some triptans (medication for migrane). But then I finally found a triptan which helped very well and now I don't have this problem anymore, even though I have headach quite often. I'm also taking a medication to prevent it.
Then since autumn 2010 I have the back/bud-pain I already wrote about. I also have a lot of stress of work and worry a lot, I'm sometimes really depressed have sometimes the strong urge to cut (but don't want to) and miss so many things (sometimes).
So if I look at this history I think that things didn't improve for me so far (of course a lot is missing but this is already sooo long - sorry for that). One trouble was just exchanged against another one. I really wonder if I could be free of trouble of thouse kinds as described abouve - and I doubt that.
I never felt really good/happy. There were always troubles, and I hoped and hoped and hoped they would not happen again. Of course they happened again. And again, and again, and again. And again the day after that. And so forth. And if I finally god rid of something - I can see now form the few backwards - something else occurded which caused other problems. (So at the moment I am hoping that my back/butt-pain magically disappears, but I know that it is very unlikely to happen... magically and anyways... and I wonder what comes next.)
Edit Dec/12th:
I read some stuff I wrote when I was younger. 12/13 to ~22. I already felt really desperate at 12. I remember I wrote about suicide in a journal at age 7/8/9 (don't have it here now, so I didn't read it). But nevertheless, I think the probability to become a happy person if you have never been, decreases with age. The negative things just add up. If it are too many, the positive things don't get the change to add up, because you are not able to experience them (or expierence them as deep) in the first place (because of psychological problems like anxiety or depression).
(Edited angain on December, 16th.)
And I think the question all is about is: is this going to happen, is it worth to withstand hard times in your life even if they endure and finally is life worth living?
The last part of the question is of course the most difficult to answer. There are hole books with hundreds of pages about it. And the possible answers are anything but simple...
The other question - for me - is are things going to improve? Of course, if one is truly happy, one doesn't have to hope that things improve. If everything is fine, that's fine. But if you are ill, or suffer from a disorder like anxiety or depression or OCD or psychosomatic pain or something similar (or completely different but another bad thing) or are simply not happy, you maybe hope that you will be able to overcome this one day. So do I. So did I.
I want to explain you.
When I was a child, I was not happy. I had a lot of anxiety and I was easily scared and also a lot of negative things happened (abuse), probably because I was just too stupid to tell anyone (I thought they would know anyways. It didn't came to my mind that someone who doesn't see doesn't know if I don't tell. I didn't get this at all.) There have been moments when I have had hope or felt some kind of happyness, though. I remember a situation, where I was walking up the stairs (I don't know why I have exactly this picture in my head) thinking I was pregnant (I didn't know about biology, or maybe I didn't wanted to know) and I was happy (or had hope or something like that) because I thought this child I would give birth to would understand me. I felt understood by this child (I was like 6 or 7, so a child myself). This kept me living for a long time (not only this situation of course, it was just an example because I remember it so clearly like it was yesterday).
At school I was bullied a lot, because I was very different from the other pupils. But I was in my own world and I didn't value the opinion of the other people in my class, so I guess this made it less painful. Even though sometimes it was physically painful and one thing I hated a lot was when they stared at me or tried to put my trousers of. But I didn't understand a lot of the words they said to me and I didn't even tried to understand. Also for the bullying it came out a few years later that my parents didn't know. I always thought they knew because it was just so natural for me. But I most probably never told them.
Of course, due to this, I didn't liked school, and I didn't liked going home. But I somehow was still able to live. At a certain point I started cutting, but at that point it really helped me. And as I didn't wanted to stop it wasn't a struggle.
In 1994 my father got diabetes type 1 which is a common disease (not as common as diabetes type 2, but still quite common). The problem is, that he can't handle this disease very well and was in coma due to hypoglycemia several times. For several years we had to call the ambulance like once every two weeks or so... My parents fight over this a lot: what my father eats, how his blood-sugar levels are and so on...
I have always been a thin child and I've never enjoyed eating. My weight has always been around or under the 3rd percentile. A few years (about 2) before my higher school diploma I started to sometimes walk home from school or taking the bike to and from school even though I had a long way to go to school (about 15-20 km / 9-12 miles each direction).This was calming me down. The problem was that I also reduced my calorie intake to almost zero (in 2004). I liked to watch my body wasting away. I liked the feeling of almost fainting. I liked the energy bursts I got from diet coke. So I went down to a really live-threatening low weight. Strangely enough I remember this time as a good time. I was too starved to worry.
I was admitted to hospital at that weight. The first days were an up and down (emotionally). I felt alone (even tough I was not more alone than before) and scared. But physically I started to feel better really fast. The first day (or first few days, I don't remember) they only gave me sugar through an i.v.. This increased my energy levels so much. I could walk around the hospital flors (with the i.v. in my arm). This felt great, because before I was admitted, I could barely walk anymore. Then they put a stomach-tube down through my nose. And then something was wrong with my blood so I was put on intensive care. There I got an port to fed me. I don't remember that time very well. My brain was very dizzy and I got lots of medications. After that I got a stomach-tube again because I was "released" into closed psychiatry. The time in psychiatry was very stressful to me and I think that they made so many thinks false. They didn't explain anything to me (maybe they thought it would be clear and everybody would now, but it wasn't and I didn't realize some obvious things) and I haven't had therapy. It was just being locked up, not much more. Maybe I will write a comment / blog entry about that time one day later, it's too much for now.
From this psychiatry I was referred to a psychosomatic unit at a hospital and than from there again to several psychiatrys. It would take to long to tell all this now.
But I gained my weight back. Have already been at a low weight (BMI around 14-16 range) when all this started (or got really serve) and I still was underweight when I finally left psychiatry. However, I have never had a therapy for an eating-disorder. I have had one for the cutting in one of the psychiatrys though. It was no talking-psychotherapy, but a therapy where they told you that you should try to focus on other things.
I don't know if it is due to the fact that I have never "relearned" (or even learned form childhood on) normal eating, I was very confused when I had to decide and eat on my own. I didn't know when and what to eat and when I'm full or hungry. This ended in a overeating (binging would maybe be a too strong word as my binges haven't been so big) - purging circle. This lasted the hole time I spend in university, but I finally got it under control. I'm still underweight, though.
During that time at university I also developed a headache which occured everyday. I went to a lot of doctors and tried a lot of medications but nothings seemed to work also some triptans (medication for migrane). But then I finally found a triptan which helped very well and now I don't have this problem anymore, even though I have headach quite often. I'm also taking a medication to prevent it.
Then since autumn 2010 I have the back/bud-pain I already wrote about. I also have a lot of stress of work and worry a lot, I'm sometimes really depressed have sometimes the strong urge to cut (but don't want to) and miss so many things (sometimes).
So if I look at this history I think that things didn't improve for me so far (of course a lot is missing but this is already sooo long - sorry for that). One trouble was just exchanged against another one. I really wonder if I could be free of trouble of thouse kinds as described abouve - and I doubt that.
I never felt really good/happy. There were always troubles, and I hoped and hoped and hoped they would not happen again. Of course they happened again. And again, and again, and again. And again the day after that. And so forth. And if I finally god rid of something - I can see now form the few backwards - something else occurded which caused other problems. (So at the moment I am hoping that my back/butt-pain magically disappears, but I know that it is very unlikely to happen... magically and anyways... and I wonder what comes next.)
Edit Dec/12th:
I read some stuff I wrote when I was younger. 12/13 to ~22. I already felt really desperate at 12. I remember I wrote about suicide in a journal at age 7/8/9 (don't have it here now, so I didn't read it). But nevertheless, I think the probability to become a happy person if you have never been, decreases with age. The negative things just add up. If it are too many, the positive things don't get the change to add up, because you are not able to experience them (or expierence them as deep) in the first place (because of psychological problems like anxiety or depression).
(Edited angain on December, 16th.)
No comments,
Post a Comment
Monday, November 05, 2012
Can not express my pain.
Hi,
I guess I have a problem. I always think I should go to the hospital or somewhere (I don't know where exactly, a friend from work (the second one in my life!) was telling me that the hospital would be the right place for such cases but I don't know), because of my pain.
I think the problem is that I can't express my pain. I don't show any signs. She also tells me this. She also tells me this in other case, like I don't look scared or I don't look nervous when I really am so scared than I think I might die. That is strange, isn't it? No one has ever before told me this! But I then understand a bit why the doctor finds it difficult to believe me (well not really, because I would believe if someone would come to me and tell me about his pain and not showing any signs. This is not fiction but actually the case and I do believe to ppl!).
So the point I want to say is: I think I should do something really fast. I should go to hospital or somewhere else (I also have blood in my stool, but for a very long time now so I'll probably not die from that - and the pain I also have already for more than 2 years. I think the hospital does not treat chronic diseases even though I'm not sure.)
But for work... I have so much work. It is just so very, very much. And there is no end. I can not see the end coming. And then I make mistakes, and I have to correct for these mistakes. And currently my experiment is not working as it should. So I am not sure if I should just go to the hospital, because the experiments I am doing are worth nothing anyways or if I should try and do the experiments and if I'm really, really lucky they work and I get results (it depends on technical stuff which I can't influence). I really need those results, but it is questionable if I get them, even if I work on them. I also really need a solution for my pain, but for that it is even more questionable if I get it, as I did not get any solution for the last 2 years.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say? The friend from work told me, that most ppl think that if you are able to go to work the pain can't be that bad. I told her that this is not always the case and I think she agreed. Do you agree too? I mean, this is really not always the case!
When I can do one thing then it is carry on under what circumstances ever. When I went to school and made the Higher School Certificate, I was really stressed, and I lost a lot of weight because I stopped eating (I only drank milk for the last 4 month of school). But I didn't question the idea of stopping school to go in a hospital or something like that. (Then I was put in hospital in intensive-care 4 days after I wrote my Higher School Certifiate.)
Now I feel even worse then back these days. But I am told that no one can see. So I don't know how to tell. My doctor does not believe me all my pain. How can I get help now?
Please excuse my errors. I am very tired, because I can't sleep due to pain.
Thank you for reading! Thank you for comments!
EDIT at November, 10th, 2012:
I want to show you a picture of my back/butt. I'm sorry I didn't get all onto it (the left side is missing) because I made it by myself. The lower half I cutted of because I don't want to show my butt. Those are the marks form using the hot-water-bottle when ever I can, because it is pain-relieve. It is damaging, but I can't stop, because it just huts so much (the back/butt-pain (it's more in the butt than in the back)).
I guess I have a problem. I always think I should go to the hospital or somewhere (I don't know where exactly, a friend from work (the second one in my life!) was telling me that the hospital would be the right place for such cases but I don't know), because of my pain.
I think the problem is that I can't express my pain. I don't show any signs. She also tells me this. She also tells me this in other case, like I don't look scared or I don't look nervous when I really am so scared than I think I might die. That is strange, isn't it? No one has ever before told me this! But I then understand a bit why the doctor finds it difficult to believe me (well not really, because I would believe if someone would come to me and tell me about his pain and not showing any signs. This is not fiction but actually the case and I do believe to ppl!).
So the point I want to say is: I think I should do something really fast. I should go to hospital or somewhere else (I also have blood in my stool, but for a very long time now so I'll probably not die from that - and the pain I also have already for more than 2 years. I think the hospital does not treat chronic diseases even though I'm not sure.)
But for work... I have so much work. It is just so very, very much. And there is no end. I can not see the end coming. And then I make mistakes, and I have to correct for these mistakes. And currently my experiment is not working as it should. So I am not sure if I should just go to the hospital, because the experiments I am doing are worth nothing anyways or if I should try and do the experiments and if I'm really, really lucky they work and I get results (it depends on technical stuff which I can't influence). I really need those results, but it is questionable if I get them, even if I work on them. I also really need a solution for my pain, but for that it is even more questionable if I get it, as I did not get any solution for the last 2 years.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say? The friend from work told me, that most ppl think that if you are able to go to work the pain can't be that bad. I told her that this is not always the case and I think she agreed. Do you agree too? I mean, this is really not always the case!
When I can do one thing then it is carry on under what circumstances ever. When I went to school and made the Higher School Certificate, I was really stressed, and I lost a lot of weight because I stopped eating (I only drank milk for the last 4 month of school). But I didn't question the idea of stopping school to go in a hospital or something like that. (Then I was put in hospital in intensive-care 4 days after I wrote my Higher School Certifiate.)
Now I feel even worse then back these days. But I am told that no one can see. So I don't know how to tell. My doctor does not believe me all my pain. How can I get help now?
Please excuse my errors. I am very tired, because I can't sleep due to pain.
Thank you for reading! Thank you for comments!
EDIT at November, 10th, 2012:
I want to show you a picture of my back/butt. I'm sorry I didn't get all onto it (the left side is missing) because I made it by myself. The lower half I cutted of because I don't want to show my butt. Those are the marks form using the hot-water-bottle when ever I can, because it is pain-relieve. It is damaging, but I can't stop, because it just huts so much (the back/butt-pain (it's more in the butt than in the back)).
No comments,
Post a Comment
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)