Borderline

I feel quite sad and depressed since friday. On friday and on monday it was very bad. Now it is sometimes quite bad and sometimes ok. I don't know what to do with this feelings. I don't know where they come from either, as I'm not depressed about anything special.

Today I talked about my doctor with my best friend from work. She asked me what I feel when I sit in the doctors office. I only could answer her, what I think when I sit there, but the question is interesting so I thought about that. I think, I don't feel so much at that specific moment, as I'm just very stressed about finding the correct words and so on. And I have pretty good avoidance tactics to avoid feeling too much, which in my case is just not saying to much. But what I feel is depression and sadness. And when I leave the doctor and am alone again I usally feel this very much as the stress-level goes down then. After my doctor visits I feel very sad and depressed, sometimes (or more often than just sometimes to the extend that I feel suicidal). I didn't thought at that when my friend was asking me because she was asking me how I feel at the doctors office. There, I think I pretty much avoid feelings by searching for words and by speaking not much. I don't even tell my doctor anymore that I have pain. I already told him, and nothing has changed. She sais, I should complain more, that is my role as a patient.

And yes, I am always thinking, I'm just the patient. I don't have to teach the doctor. I don't have to tell him how sensitivity of pain increases over time, what pain does whith your nervous system, what the diagnoses criteria for certain illnesses are, and so on. So I just shut up. But that seems not to be wished, either.

A problem of mine is, that I have lots of comorbid disorders. I was in treatment and in (psychiatric) hospital for a long time. During my youth I used to cut as stress-relieve and I have scars from that on my body (I still have the urge to do that sometimes but I don't do). I was, due to that, diagnosed with borderline-personality-disorder in the past (after seeing the psychiatrist for like 5-10 minutes). The diagnoses was revised later. But my pain-doctor, even though he never talked about any personal stuff with me and even though he never did any psychological testing putted the borderline-diagnoses in my medical-findings. I don't understand that. I don't want to discuss with him whether I have borderline or not, but he is not even trained to judge on that, he has not done any assessment, and he can not have simply copied it from elsewhere.

My problem is, I go to conferences too, I hear doctors talking too, when they think they are under themselves, and they are so judgemental. You don't need to have any interpreting skills to understand. They say: "Borderline-patients are the worst. They manipulate you whenever they can." or "You never want to treat a Borderline-patients that's really the worst." Things like that. I'm sorry for the Borderline-patients, because of course everybody has reasons to be how he is. And if he is manipulative, I believe, that there is a reason. Of course it makes therapy more complicated. In my case any therapy will be very complicated as well, because I have lots and lots of difficulties, e.g. with talking and finding out what I am feeling and so on but I don't think that I'm manipulative (at all). Nor do I think that I fit the other borderline diagnosis-criteria to an extent that would allow the diagnosis (not at all).

Btw, nearly the same which is true for borderline is also true for Fibromyalgia. It is awful to hear doctors hear talk about Fibromyalgia. They don't seem to be sure that patients with Fibromyalgia actually suffer. Bad theory-of-mind, I can only say.

But that's awful and all that drives my feeling that no one believes me. When I did tell nothing but the truth but without any exaggerating show. My friend from work says I should explain the doctor that this is my personality. That I simply can't give him this show. But I don't know, because saying "Sorry, I'm different, I just don't show pain much on the outside." to me has something... redundant.

I hope you understood something I was writing. I'm so tired.
Thank you for reading and for comments.

Can not express my pain.

Hi,

I guess I have a problem. I always think I should go to the hospital or somewhere (I don't know where exactly, a friend from work (the second one in my life!) was telling me that the hospital would be the right place for such cases but I don't know), because of my pain.

I think the problem is that I can't express my pain. I don't show any signs. She also tells me this. She also tells me this in other case, like I don't look scared or I don't look nervous when I really am so scared than I think I might die. That is strange, isn't it? No one has ever before told me this! But I then understand a bit why the doctor finds it difficult to believe me (well not really, because I would believe if someone would come to me and tell me about his pain and not showing any signs. This is not fiction but actually the case and I do believe to ppl!).

So the point I want to say is: I think I should do something really fast. I should go to hospital or somewhere else (I also have blood in my stool, but for a very long time now so I'll probably not die from that - and the pain I also have already for more than 2 years. I think the hospital does not treat chronic diseases even though I'm not sure.)

But for work... I have so much work. It is just so very, very much. And there is no end. I can not see the end coming. And then I make mistakes, and I have to correct for these mistakes. And currently my experiment is not working as it should. So I am not sure if I should just go to the hospital, because the experiments I am doing are worth nothing anyways or if I should try and do the experiments and if I'm really, really lucky they work and I get results (it depends on technical stuff which I can't influence). I really need those results, but it is questionable if I get them, even if I work on them. I also really need a solution for my pain, but for that it is even more questionable if I get it, as I did not get any solution for the last 2 years.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say? The friend from work told me, that most ppl think that if you are able to go to work the pain can't be that bad. I told her that this is not always the case and I think she agreed. Do you agree too? I mean, this is really not always the case!

When I can do one thing then it is carry on under what circumstances ever. When I went to school and made the Higher School Certificate, I was really stressed, and I lost a lot of weight because I stopped eating (I only drank milk for the last 4 month of school). But I didn't question the idea of stopping school to go in a hospital or something like that. (Then I was put in hospital in intensive-care 4 days after I wrote my Higher School Certifiate.)

Now I feel even worse then back these days. But I am told that no one can see. So I don't know how to tell. My doctor does not believe me all my pain. How can I get help now?

Please excuse my errors. I am very tired, because I can't sleep due to pain.

Thank you for reading! Thank you for comments!

EDIT at November, 10th, 2012:

I want to show you a picture of my back/butt. I'm sorry I didn't get all onto it (the left side is missing) because I made it by myself. The lower half I cutted of because I don't want to show my butt. Those are the marks form using the hot-water-bottle when ever I can, because it is pain-relieve. It is damaging, but I can't stop, because it just huts so much (the back/butt-pain (it's more in the butt than in the back)).