Tuesday, December 25, 2012

"Saturated loneliness"*

*"And I wish there was something
Please tell me there's something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness" 
KoRn - Tearjerker
I can relate to these lines of the song "Tearjerker" from the Band Korn quite much.

Until the age of 16/17 I've had no friends. Not only no friends, I didn't know a lot of other people. Barley any.

Then I found the internet and there I met someone (on a political board) with whom I became very good friends over time. We wrote very many e-mails, hundreds of e-mails. Personal e-mails of course, and about politics and philosophy aswell. 

The internet and especially those e-mails have been my first touch to an outside world.

I printed some parts of the mails out and read them over and over again. Nothing has been more important to me. It is no exaggeration to say that hose e-mails kept me alive for a few years. I'm quite sure that without them I'd given up... completely.

This is blurry intentionally because it is an e-mail to me
and not to other persons: One of the pages I kept in
my pocket and read thousands of times.

Yet... after several years of knowing this friend and all the trouble we've gone through* I still feel lonely. Sometimes very lonely. Sometimes I feel very lonely and it is OK for me, but other times it isn't. 

Then I wish I could open up a bit more. Express my thoughts, explain myself. Tell what I'm thinking, and why. Explain why I am the person I am. And who I am. If I only could answer these questions myself. I don't know a lot about myself. But even if I don't know this, there are still so many thinks I know but can't tell. For some things I'm not brave enough, others are simply inexpressible.

I think one of these reasons connects to each other (not knowing who I am, inexpressible thoughts, being not brave enough to tell the things I know about me).

E.G. I was nearly 2 years in psychiatry. My friend knows this (of course, he knew me, while I was in psychiatry), I don't hide this information in internet (boards etc.), but at work no one knows. I'm not brave enough to tell this. They would make fun off me (and maybe not only this). I'm not brave enough to tell it a friend from work aswell. Because I don't want to be a freak. Maybe, if I knew who I am and if I were self-confident, I could tell everybody and it wouldn't have such a negative touch.

Other things I can't tell because I'm not brave enough are things I've done to myself. Like self-injury or eating-problems. (I'm judged for this again and again by my mother.) Or diagnoses I got (but I don't think that this is that important).

What might be more important to me are the inexpressible things. I would like to express them so much, but I don't know HOW. So I will for ever be loneli. Even if I'd be brave some day.

Thank you for reading!

* this would need a lot more explanation which I can not give in just a few lines... I tried.


  1. I do not have proper words or understanding.
    I just wanted you to know that your words and thoughts are important.
    I will think of you