I could...

I believe (some things are not tested yet), I could...
... starve myself until I die.
... walk until I brake completely.
... stay awake until I get psychosis and even longer.
... bear being hurt/beaten/abused until I die.
... put my hand on a hotplate.

But I cannot save myself. 
This takes so much more effort.
This is demanding so much more.

I can not explain myself.
I can not talk efficiently to my doctor.
I can not explain my collegues what is wrong with me.
I can not brake the routine.
I can not jugde what is right or wrong. (So I do my best to please.)

I can not live*, yet I don't die.
I can not cope with this.


* of course I am alive, I am writing. But I am basically just hoping the hours pass by.