Thursday, November 08, 2012

No hope, not sad.

Right now, everything is going wrong. Everything I do turns out to be false, everything I touch falls apart.

I know that this sentence sounds depressive, but it's not. Everybody around me has noticed that I have all the bad luck so it is not just my interpretation. But at least I could be sad or depressed about all my bad luck and all the pointless work I'm doing, couldn't I? Or I could feel sad about all the things I miss out on, because I do so much pointless work.

But I don't. I'm stressed and worried about my every day routine so much, that I feel there is no space for being sad. It's just worring, being scared, not knowing what to do, where to be, what to say, where to look at. Worrying about the moment, not about the future, because the worries about the moment are filling my head.

I don't know if this is understandable, but if I spend lots and lots of time on planing an experiment and then I can't do it because of something which is clearly not my fault (there is very damageable equipment involvet in the experiments, and it might not be me who damages it) then I feel just as fine as if everything would have gone well, because I on my side just did what I was usually doing. Of course I see that in the long run this is not good because I need to have results and thinks like this recently happen to happen to me all the time, but I feel not to have the capacity to think about thank now. I can't. It's too much because I worry about so many other things in the very near future (next few hours and days). This is different of course if something unexpected happens during my experiment, even if it is not my fault at all. Because then I don't know how to react. For most cases I have written down a scenario on "how to react if this or that happens" but if it actually happens, I can't remember, because if it is unexpected it means I'm not used to it.

So in general I'm ok with doing pointless work. I'm scared about the moment, so I don't worry about the future (too much).

Another thing is, I don't feel like this life is worth much. I don't feel like it would hurt to give this life up. I would not be too sad. But I am also not happy, I am barely living.


  1. Dear young man,
    I have a 7 year old son w Aspbergers, schizophrenic brother an grandmother. A cousin of mine is a space rocket scientist, may have it. Please do not give up. Life is worth living. Your life is worth living....even if you feel pain now. I felt suicidal when I was 16, 21...and very alone...I was so unhappy then and would never have believed how much happiness I would have now. If you are open to any advice, I suggest 1 MRI for back/ hip consider surgery, Rolfing massage, swimming will help. 2. See a help w self esteem 3. Reach out to more people? Family? Aspie. Groups? 4. Read this book, mans search for meaning by intro e frankl.

    1. Thank you for your comment!
      I am female, I'm sorry I forgot to say this in my profile because for me it is just natural to be female because I have been female all my life. I will add this information.
      I don't know HOW to get examinations from doctors, e.g. an MRI. Do you know how I mean? I have to go to a specific doctor and tell him about this pain and then he has to understand that it is serious enough to do an MRI. My current doctor (a specialist in pain) somehow does not seem to understand. He seems to be sure, that there is nothing else but lyme-disease in my body, even though I don't know how he can know this without examinations. (Communicatation with him is for me even much more difficult than commuicating with other ppl because he doesn't seem to understand me).
      I'm not allowed to swim because the hot-water-bottle I'm using for pain-relieve (because the warmth helps to decrease the pain) damages the skin.
      The therapist idea might be good. I thought about that too. I have done some therapies in the past already (from about age 3 one). I think I would need a therapist how would help me also with things like telling at work when I have to go to the doctor (because I so ofter don't go simply because I don't know which words I have to use to tell at work).
      I have watched some youtube-videos about Victor E. Frankl. Form that it wasn't telling me too much, but I guess there is more in the book.

    2. Hi again,
      It my be better to find a different doctor. Your doctor is not helping you. At least, not enough. Regarding an MRI, do you have health insurance? An MRI is expensive, but back surgery really can work. A friend of mine had this successfully. You need to go to a Different doctor and tell him o her that you are in excruciating back pain and request them to order you an MRI. The insurance will not pay without one.

    3. Also, the water bottle is terrible. You need to stop even if think it brings ou relief because it's burning you. Short term relief try icy hi cream, warm baths,

    4. Sorry, icy hot , you can buy in pharmacy, it's a cream, then immediately start swimming. You hold swim every day, do the crawl or backstroke but not the butterfly. Had chronic back pain and started swimming during pregnancy to protect my back and it healed tremendous. Sit up also trengthen the back and maybe yoga. You need to take better care of your physical posture and this will help. I old not be pursed if your depression is in part induced or worsened by chronic pin. Even low grade chronic pain I'll o this. So fire that doctor nd do those exercises, ESP, swimming. Strt slowly nd build up. Do not do any heavy weight lifting.

    5. Sorry the autocorrect is making my posts incomprehensible. Fire the doctor, exercise, avoid sitting for very long periods still. Get up nd walk around. Do not lean forward t your computer desk. Si p traight. Go and research ergonomic posture hair etc to make sure you are sitting or rectify. All of his has an effect. I'm not sure about Lyme disease. Are ou absolutely ure you have it?

    6. Mans search for meaning is about teaching People to find the will to live. It is optimistic. Do not read Camus. Very bad suggestion from your professor. Camus is a nihilist. And very depressing. Similarly, never read Sylvia Plath or Virginia Woolf. If you want to read classics, it's best given your state of mind to read uplifting works or at least something not totally suicidal. Camus is also too detached. So is Sartre. Forget about those existential writers. It will not make you feel better. Camus is not a person to want to relate to! Truthfully, I never read the Myth of Sysiphus, but I read his other work. Here is a fascinating book.... Journey into the whirlwind by Eugenia Ginzburg. It discusses her long mprisonment in the Soviet prion camps...he survived 5 years. Or...for something lighter, tell me what note rests ou and I can email you some suggestions.

    7. Thank you again! Yes, I have an insuranace. It is very difficult to find a doctor, though. Most have long waiting lists (or are not covered by my insurance or are no specialist in pain - and I think I need a specialist in pain because I need (strong) pain medication).
      To me it doesn't feel like a orthopedic problem, which of course does not necessarily mean that it isn't one - but I always have pain. Even when lying in bed and trying to sleep. Walking doesn't increase the pain (sitting does). When it was orthopedic, shouldn't then certain movements hurt more than others?
      To that cream I'm allergic. What I am using is a electronic thing from phillips. It has blue light and was very expensive but it helps a bit. But after about 1,5 hours it needs to be recharged.
      I'll try to build some physical strengh in my back. I think this might be good. I'm not too sure about the Lyme-disease. My blood-values are positive and I have had those marks on the skin which are the sign for the lyme-disease (but they are gone now, blood is still positive), and I got antibiotics-treatment too late. The antibiotics over all don't seem to work so well for me. I feel a little bit better when I take them, but the effect is really little.

    8. Hi-- I'm not sure. I think that sitting could be more painful than walking for a person with back pain. It wasn't walking or standing that gave me the most pain, but sitting in chairs. I had relief from swimming and lying down on a soft cushion. Maybe also try heat. I did actually contract lyme disease once but luckily got it in time with antibiotics. Again, try swimming and yoga. These will probably make you feel better, too!

    9. Yes, I use heat a lot. With the hot-water-bottle and the blue-light-device from Phillips (that one unfortunally needs to be recharged after 1,5 hours). Yes, sitting is very painful, standing too (in my case). Walking is possible. I will try to find a swimming pool (in my area) and another doctor.

  2. Sorry, mans search for meaning by Viktor E Frankl, who survived extermination camps and talks about why we should live and how we can find worth in living when the present is nothing but pain.

    1. When I first read your comment I tought it was a reply on a post my about Albert Camus. Because I wanted to write such a post, but I didn't finish, because it's difficult. A teacher at school suggested me reading Albert Camus and I liked some of his books (like "The Outsider", "Caligula" and "The Myth of
      Sisyphus") a lot, because I could and can identify with some of the figures and/or some of the things he sais in this books; not everything though. E.G. I get the Absurd (to some extend), but I don't get why Sisyphos should be a happy person. (If Camus had said, Sisyphos has accepted his destiny, he is ok with it, he is simply carrying on - ok, but happy...).
      As for Viktor E. Frankl, I don't know if he said that he is a happy person or just accepting what has happend because he can't change?