Today I feel almost dead. No, probably this is false, but I feel bad and tired and disconnected from the world. I don't know how to describe... tired without the ability to sleep is probably the only way to explain.
Anyway, recently I have heard a talk about suicide at the faculty where I work. The professor holding the talk said most suicides are done because of little reasons, like there is not enough milk in the fridge anymore and there is no possibility to get some (at that time)*. I have no idea whether this is true or not, but I can somehow understand how little thinks can disturb you - if you are already very emotionally unbalanced/aroused. Of course ppl who attempt to kill themselves cos of "little" reasons might be happy afterwards if they are saved. But something has to be wrong in their lives, that they get disturbed so easily. The professor further mentioned that in his opinion every suicide is irrational, even if a very ill person who has serve pain and will die a painful death in near future anyway kills him/herself. I don't think so. I think suicide is rational if your chance to be happy is to low to carry on with live. For my perspective suicide would be rational in my case. I'm just not brave enough or I may have some irrational hopes or something, I don't know why I am still alive. I have thought about suicide ever since I know that humans are dying. Most of the time I'm thinking about it rationally. Sometimes more emotionally, like getting the urge to do it. But the strange think is, when I feel the worst I don't think about it because then I don't have any capacity in my head to notice that life is finite. Maybe that is the reason why I am still alive. I don't know what to think about that.
*or a friend breaking up. But I think there everybody thinks different whether this is a "little" reason or not. The "milk"-reason might seem more little to the most ppl.
Thank you for reading (sorry for depressing content).