About Suicide

Today I feel almost dead. No, probably this is false, but I feel bad and tired and disconnected from the world. I don't know how to describe... tired without the ability to sleep is probably the only way to explain.

Anyway, recently I have heard a talk about suicide at the faculty where I work. The professor holding the talk said most suicides are done because of little reasons, like there is not enough milk in the fridge anymore and there is no possibility to get some (at that time)*. I have no idea whether this is true or not, but I can somehow understand how little thinks can disturb you - if you are already very emotionally unbalanced/aroused. Of course ppl who attempt to kill themselves cos of "little" reasons might be happy afterwards if they are saved. But something has to be wrong in their lives, that they get disturbed so easily. The professor further mentioned that in his opinion every suicide is irrational, even if a very ill person who has serve pain and will die a painful death in near future anyway kills him/herself. I don't think so. I think suicide is rational if your chance to be happy is to low to carry on with live. For my perspective suicide would be rational in my case. I'm just not brave enough or I may have some irrational hopes or something, I don't know why I am still alive. I have thought about suicide ever since I know that humans are dying. Most of the time I'm thinking about it rationally. Sometimes more emotionally, like getting the urge to do it. But the strange think is, when I feel the worst I don't think about it because then I don't have any capacity in my head to notice that life is finite. Maybe that is the reason why I am still alive. I don't know what to think about that.

*or a friend breaking up. But I think there everybody thinks different whether this is a "little" reason or not. The "milk"-reason might seem more little to the most ppl.

Thank you for reading (sorry for depressing content).

No hope, not sad.

Right now, everything is going wrong. Everything I do turns out to be false, everything I touch falls apart.

I know that this sentence sounds depressive, but it's not. Everybody around me has noticed that I have all the bad luck so it is not just my interpretation. But at least I could be sad or depressed about all my bad luck and all the pointless work I'm doing, couldn't I? Or I could feel sad about all the things I miss out on, because I do so much pointless work.

But I don't. I'm stressed and worried about my every day routine so much, that I feel there is no space for being sad. It's just worring, being scared, not knowing what to do, where to be, what to say, where to look at. Worrying about the moment, not about the future, because the worries about the moment are filling my head.

I don't know if this is understandable, but if I spend lots and lots of time on planing an experiment and then I can't do it because of something which is clearly not my fault (there is very damageable equipment involvet in the experiments, and it might not be me who damages it) then I feel just as fine as if everything would have gone well, because I on my side just did what I was usually doing. Of course I see that in the long run this is not good because I need to have results and thinks like this recently happen to happen to me all the time, but I feel not to have the capacity to think about thank now. I can't. It's too much because I worry about so many other things in the very near future (next few hours and days). This is different of course if something unexpected happens during my experiment, even if it is not my fault at all. Because then I don't know how to react. For most cases I have written down a scenario on "how to react if this or that happens" but if it actually happens, I can't remember, because if it is unexpected it means I'm not used to it.

So in general I'm ok with doing pointless work. I'm scared about the moment, so I don't worry about the future (too much).

Another thing is, I don't feel like this life is worth much. I don't feel like it would hurt to give this life up. I would not be too sad. But I am also not happy, I am barely living.

My life is: Cube (the film)

Do you know the film Cube ?

It is about ppl  who awake insight of a gigantic cube and have no idea how to get out. They find out that the different rooms of the cube are moving around and that in some of the rooms are traps which will kill them. So they have to find a system which tells them in which room there is a trap and in which isn't. But the systems they work out prove to be wrong.

The film is also about my life. I am in a gigantic world / society, I don't know how and why I got inside here, aswell and I don't understand the rules according to which it works. And there are traps everywhere. If you / I got around one, then there is just the next waiting in another room. It is impossible (for me) to work out a system to detect the traps before.

Cube was the first and so far the only film which I have seen and completly understood (I am speaking about the first film of the series they made. I have not seen the other two.). Because the philosophy behind it seems just so natural for me, even though the film is very metaphorical. The characters are also easy to seperate from each other, and the speach is easy to understand.

Thank you for reading!