going on...

Two days ago I spoke to a very good friend of mine very long (on the phone). And I figured out that one part of the problem I have when I visit doctors is that I know I will feel very desperate afterwards because they usually don't help me, yet of course I put some hope in the visits.

Knowing that I will feel desperate afterwards makes me reducing the doctor-visits to a minimum. I only go when I really need to, like when I've run out of medication. Pain usually doesn't make me go to doctors anymore, because visiting doctors doesn't change anything about the pain.

Knowing that I will feel desperate afterwards makes now also feel desperate and sad already before I visited the doctor, because I'm so sure about the outcome and I get all kinds of depressive thoughts in my head when I only think about visiting a doctor (another reason to reduce the visits).

I try to tell myself then, that I can have depressive thoughts at any other time, but just not now, that I have to focus on something else, but it doesn't work.

Then yesterday I spoke to another friend (I know her from work, she's really nice, but I don't know her as long) about the same problem. I told her, what I've found out with the friend of mine. She asked me, why I am not angry at the doctors for not finding a solution for me. I don't know the answer to this question, it's just that I'm never angry. I'm always just sad. She also said/wrote that it must seem to the doctors like if I would feel guilty for my pain.

I don't know if I do. I feel guilty very easily. But not really for the pain. I think that it might be my fault, but I don't feel so guilty actually. So it is difficult to answer. She asked me then if I feel embarrassed. Maybe I don't feel embarrassed for the pain so much, but for being me. For all my problems, for my past, for not being able to cope with live properly.

She also said that the doctors could think that I'm a drug-addict, if I appear so guilty and embarrassed (if I understood correctly, I hope I did). That is actually a thing I worry about too, because there is nothing I can really do to prove that my pain is real and that I don't get any positive side-effects (apart from pain-relief of course) from pain-medication.

She, the friend I know from work, also suggested that she would go to the doctor with me and speak with them and explain them some things about me. That is really nice and I appreciate it a lot, but I don't know if this would make me appear even more strange to the doctors.

Anyways, tomorrow, on Monday, I will (try to) call some doctors and ask for appointments. Maybe there is one who understands me better and does all the examinations needed and finds a solutions. I hope. Because I can't live with this problem, so I have to go on, no other choice.

Sad

I'm so sad. And I can't tell why.

I have to learn for an exam, but I'm too sad to focus. I don't know what to do.

I forgot my hot-water-bottle at home (the thing from phillips which produces heat with blue-light is broken), so I have really bad pain. Maybe this contributes to the sadness.

Other than that, I feel alone, because I will never be able to have friends (for a longer period of time and who like me for being me), because I can't explain myself and I can't even tell who I am and simple stuff about myself.

Because I'm too fucked up.

(Actually no one should be facing the difficulty of knowing me. But despite I know this (that nobody should knowing me), I wish someone would. Even though it is impossible, anyways.)

Edit: I guess, I am sad because I realised that I will never be able to express myself thus not be able to have very deep friendships. So I have lost hope in this thing. Even though I always thought this I still had a little bit of hope. Losing hope (the remaing part of it) makes me sad.

continue

All I can do is continue. Simple continuing. Without any improvement.
This is so tiring. All I can do is keeping my eyes open, not to fall asleep, to keep walking, not to fall down. To keep working, learning, battling against pain. Keep the current status - without any improvement.

I think I'm pretty good at continuing (no matter what). And even though this may keep me alive, it keeps me away from living.

I think I don't have this little lever/signal in my head which tells me when something is enough. So I will carry on... and on. E.G. In 2004 I basically stopped eating until I ended in intensive-care in hospital. Even though it is a bad idea to start to stop eating in the first place, I totally missed the point when to stop or when to visit a doctor and ask for help. E.G. I drove 200km in one day with my bike several times (and I'm not trained at all) just because I didn't get the point when to stop. E.G. I basically didn't sleep for a lots of month (of course I did sleep but just very weak and only a couple of minutes at a time) because I was so scared, something bad would happen. E.G. I went to school for 13 years, every day, no matter what happened. E.G. I went to our neighbors house*, for years, every couple days, no matter what happened.

And now I have this really serve pain, but it doesn't stop me from continuing. I wish I could stop. But changing my live feels like stopping the world from rotating - I can't do that. I wish I could go to a doctor and ask for help, but that is not what I do every day, and thus it takes so much more effort than just continuing (no matter what).

Sometime the only escape from continuing to me seems to be the jump of a building or the jump in front of a train - because it takes only of few seconds. Only a few seconds for which I have to break the continuation.

Thank you for reading (sorry for maybe depressing content).

*house in near neighborhood to be more precise.

Borderline

I feel quite sad and depressed since friday. On friday and on monday it was very bad. Now it is sometimes quite bad and sometimes ok. I don't know what to do with this feelings. I don't know where they come from either, as I'm not depressed about anything special.

Today I talked about my doctor with my best friend from work. She asked me what I feel when I sit in the doctors office. I only could answer her, what I think when I sit there, but the question is interesting so I thought about that. I think, I don't feel so much at that specific moment, as I'm just very stressed about finding the correct words and so on. And I have pretty good avoidance tactics to avoid feeling too much, which in my case is just not saying to much. But what I feel is depression and sadness. And when I leave the doctor and am alone again I usally feel this very much as the stress-level goes down then. After my doctor visits I feel very sad and depressed, sometimes (or more often than just sometimes to the extend that I feel suicidal). I didn't thought at that when my friend was asking me because she was asking me how I feel at the doctors office. There, I think I pretty much avoid feelings by searching for words and by speaking not much. I don't even tell my doctor anymore that I have pain. I already told him, and nothing has changed. She sais, I should complain more, that is my role as a patient.

And yes, I am always thinking, I'm just the patient. I don't have to teach the doctor. I don't have to tell him how sensitivity of pain increases over time, what pain does whith your nervous system, what the diagnoses criteria for certain illnesses are, and so on. So I just shut up. But that seems not to be wished, either.

A problem of mine is, that I have lots of comorbid disorders. I was in treatment and in (psychiatric) hospital for a long time. During my youth I used to cut as stress-relieve and I have scars from that on my body (I still have the urge to do that sometimes but I don't do). I was, due to that, diagnosed with borderline-personality-disorder in the past (after seeing the psychiatrist for like 5-10 minutes). The diagnoses was revised later. But my pain-doctor, even though he never talked about any personal stuff with me and even though he never did any psychological testing putted the borderline-diagnoses in my medical-findings. I don't understand that. I don't want to discuss with him whether I have borderline or not, but he is not even trained to judge on that, he has not done any assessment, and he can not have simply copied it from elsewhere.

My problem is, I go to conferences too, I hear doctors talking too, when they think they are under themselves, and they are so judgemental. You don't need to have any interpreting skills to understand. They say: "Borderline-patients are the worst. They manipulate you whenever they can." or "You never want to treat a Borderline-patients that's really the worst." Things like that. I'm sorry for the Borderline-patients, because of course everybody has reasons to be how he is. And if he is manipulative, I believe, that there is a reason. Of course it makes therapy more complicated. In my case any therapy will be very complicated as well, because I have lots and lots of difficulties, e.g. with talking and finding out what I am feeling and so on but I don't think that I'm manipulative (at all). Nor do I think that I fit the other borderline diagnosis-criteria to an extent that would allow the diagnosis (not at all).

Btw, nearly the same which is true for borderline is also true for Fibromyalgia. It is awful to hear doctors hear talk about Fibromyalgia. They don't seem to be sure that patients with Fibromyalgia actually suffer. Bad theory-of-mind, I can only say.

But that's awful and all that drives my feeling that no one believes me. When I did tell nothing but the truth but without any exaggerating show. My friend from work says I should explain the doctor that this is my personality. That I simply can't give him this show. But I don't know, because saying "Sorry, I'm different, I just don't show pain much on the outside." to me has something... redundant.

I hope you understood something I was writing. I'm so tired.
Thank you for reading and for comments.

No hope, not sad.

Right now, everything is going wrong. Everything I do turns out to be false, everything I touch falls apart.

I know that this sentence sounds depressive, but it's not. Everybody around me has noticed that I have all the bad luck so it is not just my interpretation. But at least I could be sad or depressed about all my bad luck and all the pointless work I'm doing, couldn't I? Or I could feel sad about all the things I miss out on, because I do so much pointless work.

But I don't. I'm stressed and worried about my every day routine so much, that I feel there is no space for being sad. It's just worring, being scared, not knowing what to do, where to be, what to say, where to look at. Worrying about the moment, not about the future, because the worries about the moment are filling my head.

I don't know if this is understandable, but if I spend lots and lots of time on planing an experiment and then I can't do it because of something which is clearly not my fault (there is very damageable equipment involvet in the experiments, and it might not be me who damages it) then I feel just as fine as if everything would have gone well, because I on my side just did what I was usually doing. Of course I see that in the long run this is not good because I need to have results and thinks like this recently happen to happen to me all the time, but I feel not to have the capacity to think about thank now. I can't. It's too much because I worry about so many other things in the very near future (next few hours and days). This is different of course if something unexpected happens during my experiment, even if it is not my fault at all. Because then I don't know how to react. For most cases I have written down a scenario on "how to react if this or that happens" but if it actually happens, I can't remember, because if it is unexpected it means I'm not used to it.

So in general I'm ok with doing pointless work. I'm scared about the moment, so I don't worry about the future (too much).

Another thing is, I don't feel like this life is worth much. I don't feel like it would hurt to give this life up. I would not be too sad. But I am also not happy, I am barely living.