All I can do is continue. Simple continuing. Without any improvement.
This is so tiring. All I can do is keeping my eyes open, not to fall asleep, to keep walking, not to fall down. To keep working, learning, battling against pain. Keep the current status - without any improvement.
I think I'm pretty good at continuing (no matter what). And even though this may keep me alive, it keeps me away from living.
I think I don't have this little lever/signal in my head which tells me when something is enough. So I will carry on... and on. E.G. In 2004 I basically stopped eating until I ended in intensive-care in hospital. Even though it is a bad idea to start to stop eating in the first place, I totally missed the point when to stop or when to visit a doctor and ask for help. E.G. I drove 200km in one day with my bike several times (and I'm not trained at all) just because I didn't get the point when to stop. E.G. I basically didn't sleep for a lots of month (of course I did sleep but just very weak and only a couple of minutes at a time) because I was so scared, something bad would happen. E.G. I went to school for 13 years, every day, no matter what happened. E.G. I went to our neighbors house*, for years, every couple days, no matter what happened.
And now I have this really serve pain, but it doesn't stop me from continuing. I wish I could stop. But changing my live feels like stopping the world from rotating - I can't do that. I wish I could go to a doctor and ask for help, but that is not what I do every day, and thus it takes so much more effort than just continuing (no matter what).
Sometime the only escape from continuing to me seems to be the jump of a building or the jump in front of a train - because it takes only of few seconds. Only a few seconds for which I have to break the continuation.
Thank you for reading (sorry for maybe depressing content).
*house in near neighborhood to be more precise.