About Suicide

Today I feel almost dead. No, probably this is false, but I feel bad and tired and disconnected from the world. I don't know how to describe... tired without the ability to sleep is probably the only way to explain.

Anyway, recently I have heard a talk about suicide at the faculty where I work. The professor holding the talk said most suicides are done because of little reasons, like there is not enough milk in the fridge anymore and there is no possibility to get some (at that time)*. I have no idea whether this is true or not, but I can somehow understand how little thinks can disturb you - if you are already very emotionally unbalanced/aroused. Of course ppl who attempt to kill themselves cos of "little" reasons might be happy afterwards if they are saved. But something has to be wrong in their lives, that they get disturbed so easily. The professor further mentioned that in his opinion every suicide is irrational, even if a very ill person who has serve pain and will die a painful death in near future anyway kills him/herself. I don't think so. I think suicide is rational if your chance to be happy is to low to carry on with live. For my perspective suicide would be rational in my case. I'm just not brave enough or I may have some irrational hopes or something, I don't know why I am still alive. I have thought about suicide ever since I know that humans are dying. Most of the time I'm thinking about it rationally. Sometimes more emotionally, like getting the urge to do it. But the strange think is, when I feel the worst I don't think about it because then I don't have any capacity in my head to notice that life is finite. Maybe that is the reason why I am still alive. I don't know what to think about that.

*or a friend breaking up. But I think there everybody thinks different whether this is a "little" reason or not. The "milk"-reason might seem more little to the most ppl.

Thank you for reading (sorry for depressing content).

continue

All I can do is continue. Simple continuing. Without any improvement.
This is so tiring. All I can do is keeping my eyes open, not to fall asleep, to keep walking, not to fall down. To keep working, learning, battling against pain. Keep the current status - without any improvement.

I think I'm pretty good at continuing (no matter what). And even though this may keep me alive, it keeps me away from living.

I think I don't have this little lever/signal in my head which tells me when something is enough. So I will carry on... and on. E.G. In 2004 I basically stopped eating until I ended in intensive-care in hospital. Even though it is a bad idea to start to stop eating in the first place, I totally missed the point when to stop or when to visit a doctor and ask for help. E.G. I drove 200km in one day with my bike several times (and I'm not trained at all) just because I didn't get the point when to stop. E.G. I basically didn't sleep for a lots of month (of course I did sleep but just very weak and only a couple of minutes at a time) because I was so scared, something bad would happen. E.G. I went to school for 13 years, every day, no matter what happened. E.G. I went to our neighbors house*, for years, every couple days, no matter what happened.

And now I have this really serve pain, but it doesn't stop me from continuing. I wish I could stop. But changing my live feels like stopping the world from rotating - I can't do that. I wish I could go to a doctor and ask for help, but that is not what I do every day, and thus it takes so much more effort than just continuing (no matter what).

Sometime the only escape from continuing to me seems to be the jump of a building or the jump in front of a train - because it takes only of few seconds. Only a few seconds for which I have to break the continuation.

Thank you for reading (sorry for maybe depressing content).

*house in near neighborhood to be more precise.