Borderline

I feel quite sad and depressed since friday. On friday and on monday it was very bad. Now it is sometimes quite bad and sometimes ok. I don't know what to do with this feelings. I don't know where they come from either, as I'm not depressed about anything special.

Today I talked about my doctor with my best friend from work. She asked me what I feel when I sit in the doctors office. I only could answer her, what I think when I sit there, but the question is interesting so I thought about that. I think, I don't feel so much at that specific moment, as I'm just very stressed about finding the correct words and so on. And I have pretty good avoidance tactics to avoid feeling too much, which in my case is just not saying to much. But what I feel is depression and sadness. And when I leave the doctor and am alone again I usally feel this very much as the stress-level goes down then. After my doctor visits I feel very sad and depressed, sometimes (or more often than just sometimes to the extend that I feel suicidal). I didn't thought at that when my friend was asking me because she was asking me how I feel at the doctors office. There, I think I pretty much avoid feelings by searching for words and by speaking not much. I don't even tell my doctor anymore that I have pain. I already told him, and nothing has changed. She sais, I should complain more, that is my role as a patient.

And yes, I am always thinking, I'm just the patient. I don't have to teach the doctor. I don't have to tell him how sensitivity of pain increases over time, what pain does whith your nervous system, what the diagnoses criteria for certain illnesses are, and so on. So I just shut up. But that seems not to be wished, either.

A problem of mine is, that I have lots of comorbid disorders. I was in treatment and in (psychiatric) hospital for a long time. During my youth I used to cut as stress-relieve and I have scars from that on my body (I still have the urge to do that sometimes but I don't do). I was, due to that, diagnosed with borderline-personality-disorder in the past (after seeing the psychiatrist for like 5-10 minutes). The diagnoses was revised later. But my pain-doctor, even though he never talked about any personal stuff with me and even though he never did any psychological testing putted the borderline-diagnoses in my medical-findings. I don't understand that. I don't want to discuss with him whether I have borderline or not, but he is not even trained to judge on that, he has not done any assessment, and he can not have simply copied it from elsewhere.

My problem is, I go to conferences too, I hear doctors talking too, when they think they are under themselves, and they are so judgemental. You don't need to have any interpreting skills to understand. They say: "Borderline-patients are the worst. They manipulate you whenever they can." or "You never want to treat a Borderline-patients that's really the worst." Things like that. I'm sorry for the Borderline-patients, because of course everybody has reasons to be how he is. And if he is manipulative, I believe, that there is a reason. Of course it makes therapy more complicated. In my case any therapy will be very complicated as well, because I have lots and lots of difficulties, e.g. with talking and finding out what I am feeling and so on but I don't think that I'm manipulative (at all). Nor do I think that I fit the other borderline diagnosis-criteria to an extent that would allow the diagnosis (not at all).

Btw, nearly the same which is true for borderline is also true for Fibromyalgia. It is awful to hear doctors hear talk about Fibromyalgia. They don't seem to be sure that patients with Fibromyalgia actually suffer. Bad theory-of-mind, I can only say.

But that's awful and all that drives my feeling that no one believes me. When I did tell nothing but the truth but without any exaggerating show. My friend from work says I should explain the doctor that this is my personality. That I simply can't give him this show. But I don't know, because saying "Sorry, I'm different, I just don't show pain much on the outside." to me has something... redundant.

I hope you understood something I was writing. I'm so tired.
Thank you for reading and for comments.

Are you adjudging people?

Are you adjudging other ppl? As far as I am aware I'm not. I want to find out whether this is normal or not.  Is this normal to "normal / nt" ppl? Is this normal to aspergers-ppl?

(Quick side note: in which cases do I have to put a "s" behind asperger and in which not?)

 I also want to find out whether I am actually not adjudging the person. Maybe my understanding of "adjudging" is false.

For a really long time I did not get into any trouble, because my opinion was not asked. E. G. at school nobody would ask me something about someone else, because I was totally excluded and noone would talk to me just about me (while hitting my head or trying to pull my pants of or something like that). (Of course this was another kind of trouble. But no trouble caused by me and my opinion about something.) I don't know whether it is strange or not, that I never felt any anger against the ppl doing this. I just didn't understand what was going on at all. Of course I felt bad, through.

Then now at work I am sometimes ask if I think someone is good at this or that. If I don't think he/she is good at that, I say "No, I don't think so." and sometimes after a while I realize that it would have been better not to say that. Because it puts the person in a bad position, and I don't and this, because I did not say the person is bad, I just said that I think he/she is not good (equals bad) at a certain task. Do you understand? There is clearly a difference between those two, isn't it?

Also for my medical doctor. I quite often think that he must be quite uninformed. I did not tell him that so far, do you think I should? It takes some effort for me not to tell him and I often think I should so that he can change, but then, on the other hand, I have bad experience with telling doctors that they are wrong. And I have speach-problems (with him especially), so I would probably not come much further than telling that he is uninformed.

So, do you think I'm adjuding? Yes, I do think my medical doctor is uninformed (I do not change by the way, because it is so much effort to explain the hole story from the beginning... I think I should take this effort!), and I do think that some ppl are better at certain tasks than others. I am bad at very much tasks. But I don't hate/dislike (nor like of course!!) any person, even though some persons have done things to be which are adjudged by the society (things not described here). But it is possible that my "hate"-word and the societies "hate"-word are different? This is all strange!

Thank you for reading! I would be happy about comments!