Sorry, I haven't written anything the last few days. Christmas and New Years have somehow been stressful for me (not the kind of stress were you have to do a lot of things... a different kind of stress, but still stressful) and now I'm back at work and just very tired.
And I'm not too happy about my last entry so I want to edit that before I write something new. But I can't motivate myself.
At least I wrote an e-mail to a doctor yesterday and asked for an appointment. The office is closed until Monday, but I hope that I will get an appointment then.
I have to go to the gynaecologist as well, because I got the blood-values another doctor took and a lot of them are a bit too low and he now wants me to go there to check for internal bleeding. I don't want to go. I hate going to gynaecologists. I went there only 3 times in my life, 2 time because of my back-pain and once after someone did something with me I don't want to describe.
I can't really motivate myself for working as well. I write or read half a sentence (if that) or do one out of ten necessary mouse-clicks and then my attention goes somewhere else and until I notice the shift of my attention some time passes on. Then I have to remember what I was doing, catch my attention and try to pass on but the attention flies away so easily.
I don't know why this is the case... of course the pain distracts me very much. But it's not only that. I'm also very tired. And there are so many other things to thing about.
Thank you for reading.
Showing posts with label doctor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctor. Show all posts
Friday, January 04, 2013
Sunday, December 16, 2012
going on...
Two days ago I spoke to a very good friend of mine very long (on the phone). And I figured out that one part of the problem I have when I visit doctors is that I know I will feel very desperate afterwards because they usually don't help me, yet of course I put some hope in the visits.
Knowing that I will feel desperate afterwards makes me reducing the doctor-visits to a minimum. I only go when I really need to, like when I've run out of medication. Pain usually doesn't make me go to doctors anymore, because visiting doctors doesn't change anything about the pain.
Knowing that I will feel desperate afterwards makes now also feel desperate and sad already before I visited the doctor, because I'm so sure about the outcome and I get all kinds of depressive thoughts in my head when I only think about visiting a doctor (another reason to reduce the visits).
I try to tell myself then, that I can have depressive thoughts at any other time, but just not now, that I have to focus on something else, but it doesn't work.
Then yesterday I spoke to another friend (I know her from work, she's really nice, but I don't know her as long) about the same problem. I told her, what I've found out with the friend of mine. She asked me, why I am not angry at the doctors for not finding a solution for me. I don't know the answer to this question, it's just that I'm never angry. I'm always just sad. She also said/wrote that it must seem to the doctors like if I would feel guilty for my pain.
I don't know if I do. I feel guilty very easily. But not really for the pain. I think that it might be my fault, but I don't feel so guilty actually. So it is difficult to answer. She asked me then if I feel embarrassed. Maybe I don't feel embarrassed for the pain so much, but for being me. For all my problems, for my past, for not being able to cope with live properly.
She also said that the doctors could think that I'm a drug-addict, if I appear so guilty and embarrassed (if I understood correctly, I hope I did). That is actually a thing I worry about too, because there is nothing I can really do to prove that my pain is real and that I don't get any positive side-effects (apart from pain-relief of course) from pain-medication.
She, the friend I know from work, also suggested that she would go to the doctor with me and speak with them and explain them some things about me. That is really nice and I appreciate it a lot, but I don't know if this would make me appear even more strange to the doctors.
Anyways, tomorrow, on Monday, I will (try to) call some doctors and ask for appointments. Maybe there is one who understands me better and does all the examinations needed and finds a solutions. I hope. Because I can't live with this problem, so I have to go on, no other choice.
Knowing that I will feel desperate afterwards makes me reducing the doctor-visits to a minimum. I only go when I really need to, like when I've run out of medication. Pain usually doesn't make me go to doctors anymore, because visiting doctors doesn't change anything about the pain.
Knowing that I will feel desperate afterwards makes now also feel desperate and sad already before I visited the doctor, because I'm so sure about the outcome and I get all kinds of depressive thoughts in my head when I only think about visiting a doctor (another reason to reduce the visits).
I try to tell myself then, that I can have depressive thoughts at any other time, but just not now, that I have to focus on something else, but it doesn't work.
Then yesterday I spoke to another friend (I know her from work, she's really nice, but I don't know her as long) about the same problem. I told her, what I've found out with the friend of mine. She asked me, why I am not angry at the doctors for not finding a solution for me. I don't know the answer to this question, it's just that I'm never angry. I'm always just sad. She also said/wrote that it must seem to the doctors like if I would feel guilty for my pain.
I don't know if I do. I feel guilty very easily. But not really for the pain. I think that it might be my fault, but I don't feel so guilty actually. So it is difficult to answer. She asked me then if I feel embarrassed. Maybe I don't feel embarrassed for the pain so much, but for being me. For all my problems, for my past, for not being able to cope with live properly.
She also said that the doctors could think that I'm a drug-addict, if I appear so guilty and embarrassed (if I understood correctly, I hope I did). That is actually a thing I worry about too, because there is nothing I can really do to prove that my pain is real and that I don't get any positive side-effects (apart from pain-relief of course) from pain-medication.
She, the friend I know from work, also suggested that she would go to the doctor with me and speak with them and explain them some things about me. That is really nice and I appreciate it a lot, but I don't know if this would make me appear even more strange to the doctors.
Anyways, tomorrow, on Monday, I will (try to) call some doctors and ask for appointments. Maybe there is one who understands me better and does all the examinations needed and finds a solutions. I hope. Because I can't live with this problem, so I have to go on, no other choice.
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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Borderline
I feel quite sad and depressed since friday. On friday and on monday it was very bad. Now it is sometimes quite bad and sometimes ok. I don't know what to do with this feelings. I don't know where they come from either, as I'm not depressed about anything special.
Today I talked about my doctor with my best friend from work. She asked me what I feel when I sit in the doctors office. I only could answer her, what I think when I sit there, but the question is interesting so I thought about that. I think, I don't feel so much at that specific moment, as I'm just very stressed about finding the correct words and so on. And I have pretty good avoidance tactics to avoid feeling too much, which in my case is just not saying to much. But what I feel is depression and sadness. And when I leave the doctor and am alone again I usally feel this very much as the stress-level goes down then. After my doctor visits I feel very sad and depressed, sometimes (or more often than just sometimes to the extend that I feel suicidal). I didn't thought at that when my friend was asking me because she was asking me how I feel at the doctors office. There, I think I pretty much avoid feelings by searching for words and by speaking not much. I don't even tell my doctor anymore that I have pain. I already told him, and nothing has changed. She sais, I should complain more, that is my role as a patient.
And yes, I am always thinking, I'm just the patient. I don't have to teach the doctor. I don't have to tell him how sensitivity of pain increases over time, what pain does whith your nervous system, what the diagnoses criteria for certain illnesses are, and so on. So I just shut up. But that seems not to be wished, either.
A problem of mine is, that I have lots of comorbid disorders. I was in treatment and in (psychiatric) hospital for a long time. During my youth I used to cut as stress-relieve and I have scars from that on my body (I still have the urge to do that sometimes but I don't do). I was, due to that, diagnosed with borderline-personality-disorder in the past (after seeing the psychiatrist for like 5-10 minutes). The diagnoses was revised later. But my pain-doctor, even though he never talked about any personal stuff with me and even though he never did any psychological testing putted the borderline-diagnoses in my medical-findings. I don't understand that. I don't want to discuss with him whether I have borderline or not, but he is not even trained to judge on that, he has not done any assessment, and he can not have simply copied it from elsewhere.
My problem is, I go to conferences too, I hear doctors talking too, when they think they are under themselves, and they are so judgemental. You don't need to have any interpreting skills to understand. They say: "Borderline-patients are the worst. They manipulate you whenever they can." or "You never want to treat a Borderline-patients that's really the worst." Things like that. I'm sorry for the Borderline-patients, because of course everybody has reasons to be how he is. And if he is manipulative, I believe, that there is a reason. Of course it makes therapy more complicated. In my case any therapy will be very complicated as well, because I have lots and lots of difficulties, e.g. with talking and finding out what I am feeling and so on but I don't think that I'm manipulative (at all). Nor do I think that I fit the other borderline diagnosis-criteria to an extent that would allow the diagnosis (not at all).
Btw, nearly the same which is true for borderline is also true for Fibromyalgia. It is awful to hear doctors hear talk about Fibromyalgia. They don't seem to be sure that patients with Fibromyalgia actually suffer. Bad theory-of-mind, I can only say.
But that's awful and all that drives my feeling that no one believes me. When I did tell nothing but the truth but without any exaggerating show. My friend from work says I should explain the doctor that this is my personality. That I simply can't give him this show. But I don't know, because saying "Sorry, I'm different, I just don't show pain much on the outside." to me has something... redundant.
I hope you understood something I was writing. I'm so tired.
Thank you for reading and for comments.
Today I talked about my doctor with my best friend from work. She asked me what I feel when I sit in the doctors office. I only could answer her, what I think when I sit there, but the question is interesting so I thought about that. I think, I don't feel so much at that specific moment, as I'm just very stressed about finding the correct words and so on. And I have pretty good avoidance tactics to avoid feeling too much, which in my case is just not saying to much. But what I feel is depression and sadness. And when I leave the doctor and am alone again I usally feel this very much as the stress-level goes down then. After my doctor visits I feel very sad and depressed, sometimes (or more often than just sometimes to the extend that I feel suicidal). I didn't thought at that when my friend was asking me because she was asking me how I feel at the doctors office. There, I think I pretty much avoid feelings by searching for words and by speaking not much. I don't even tell my doctor anymore that I have pain. I already told him, and nothing has changed. She sais, I should complain more, that is my role as a patient.
And yes, I am always thinking, I'm just the patient. I don't have to teach the doctor. I don't have to tell him how sensitivity of pain increases over time, what pain does whith your nervous system, what the diagnoses criteria for certain illnesses are, and so on. So I just shut up. But that seems not to be wished, either.
A problem of mine is, that I have lots of comorbid disorders. I was in treatment and in (psychiatric) hospital for a long time. During my youth I used to cut as stress-relieve and I have scars from that on my body (I still have the urge to do that sometimes but I don't do). I was, due to that, diagnosed with borderline-personality-disorder in the past (after seeing the psychiatrist for like 5-10 minutes). The diagnoses was revised later. But my pain-doctor, even though he never talked about any personal stuff with me and even though he never did any psychological testing putted the borderline-diagnoses in my medical-findings. I don't understand that. I don't want to discuss with him whether I have borderline or not, but he is not even trained to judge on that, he has not done any assessment, and he can not have simply copied it from elsewhere.
My problem is, I go to conferences too, I hear doctors talking too, when they think they are under themselves, and they are so judgemental. You don't need to have any interpreting skills to understand. They say: "Borderline-patients are the worst. They manipulate you whenever they can." or "You never want to treat a Borderline-patients that's really the worst." Things like that. I'm sorry for the Borderline-patients, because of course everybody has reasons to be how he is. And if he is manipulative, I believe, that there is a reason. Of course it makes therapy more complicated. In my case any therapy will be very complicated as well, because I have lots and lots of difficulties, e.g. with talking and finding out what I am feeling and so on but I don't think that I'm manipulative (at all). Nor do I think that I fit the other borderline diagnosis-criteria to an extent that would allow the diagnosis (not at all).
Btw, nearly the same which is true for borderline is also true for Fibromyalgia. It is awful to hear doctors hear talk about Fibromyalgia. They don't seem to be sure that patients with Fibromyalgia actually suffer. Bad theory-of-mind, I can only say.
But that's awful and all that drives my feeling that no one believes me. When I did tell nothing but the truth but without any exaggerating show. My friend from work says I should explain the doctor that this is my personality. That I simply can't give him this show. But I don't know, because saying "Sorry, I'm different, I just don't show pain much on the outside." to me has something... redundant.
I hope you understood something I was writing. I'm so tired.
Thank you for reading and for comments.
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Thursday, November 01, 2012
Problems with medical doctor: don't know how to speak/communicate with him
Hi,
I tried to make this post more readable. Hope this helps:
right now (that means for the last few month) I am having big problems with my medical doctor.
To explain this I have to explain first that I have very bad bud / hip / low bag pain. So this means, it hurts very much. It distracts me from everything. I can't concentrate on my work and I basically can't do anything in my free-time due to that pain because I just want to sit on a hot-water-bottle all the time because this decreases the pain.
The pain started in autumn 2010.
Background-Info which maybe is not necessary:
My doctor (another one) told me that it was just psycological, because I had a lot of stress. And I believed him, because I had a lot of stress.
However, I found out later, that I have lyme-disease (IgM and IgG positiv in a lot of tests!) (and other bacterial ilnesses which can in some cases cause joint pain, like yersinia). I know that there is a big debate about whether chronic lyme-disease exists or does not exit. For me, I am really sure that chronic lyme-disease does exist (in some cases). There have been studies which have proven that. Of course nobody knows how many people have chronic lyme disease but that doesn't matter.
And for my specific case it is as sure as it can be that I have chronic lyme disease. Of course there is some possibily for false positiv tests left, but that's always the case. And of course it is possible that my pain doesn't come from this or not only from this but has another reason.
So, I'm not saying it's totally certain, but it is as certain as it can be.
But my doctor, who is a specialist in pain, does not seem to understand. First he denied that it is possible (I'm not saying anything further) that my pain comes from lymes-diseas. Then I visited a specialist in lyme-disease who confimed that I have lyme-disease (he and another specialist in lyme-disease have confimend this several times now) and he seems (or seemed) to believe me now.
Or he seemed to acceped that it is possible that I do have pain due to lyme-disease.
End of Background-Info.
But I'm sorry, that is not what I want to tell you... It's difficult. Because the point is not that it is possible that I most possibly have pain due to lyme-disease (the chance is really high) but the point is that I actually do have very strong pain and that I want some treatment. But I don't get!
Or well, I do get SOME treatment (pain-killers from the doctor who is specialist in pain and antibiotics from the other doc occationally). But it doesn't help me enough. It is still so bad, I can't express. And the part of the last sentence is the point. I can't express. I don't know what to say. I don't know!! I am telling my doctor that I have pain and that it is strong! What else should I tell him? I do not know. Recently I have even stoped to tell him that I have pain, because I think he would already know if he believed me. I don't know if he does believe me because he sometimes pointed out that I don't have a prolapse and that there is a difference (?? don't know how to say) between the objective findings and my pain. So (when I don't say anything when coming to the appointment) he just asks me some stupid question about my work (because I work in research in a related field) and I give a stupid answer and thats all and than I feel really bad because I had the hope that he would help me.
You understand me?
There are always long brakes off silence when I visit him because I have no ideas what to say. I already said that I have pain, and he already said that there is nothing more to do for me (no more medication at least). Because he sais he doesn't want to give me more of my pain-killers and he sais there isn't an other one. The thing is that I know he is false. There are of course lots of other ones, I'm not that stupid. But from previous contact with other ppl and especially doctor I have figured out that it is a very bad ideas to tell them that you think that you think you know better than them. Of course I do not know if other pain-killer would work for me, I just know that they exist! But that is for sure! Maybe he knows and is just lying to me.
One time I was at he specialist for lyme-disease and he said he received a letter from my pain-doctor. The copied that letter for me. In that letter the pain-docter claimed that there is no good doctor-patient relation-ship. Well, I'm not the one who is lying. I'm not the one who is hiding information. I'm just the one who has learned that it is better not to tell the ppl who are hiding information what they are doing.
Why doesn't he just take it as it is?
Thank you for reading!
I tried to make this post more readable. Hope this helps:
right now (that means for the last few month) I am having big problems with my medical doctor.
To explain this I have to explain first that I have very bad bud / hip / low bag pain. So this means, it hurts very much. It distracts me from everything. I can't concentrate on my work and I basically can't do anything in my free-time due to that pain because I just want to sit on a hot-water-bottle all the time because this decreases the pain.
The pain started in autumn 2010.
Background-Info which maybe is not necessary:
My doctor (another one) told me that it was just psycological, because I had a lot of stress. And I believed him, because I had a lot of stress.
However, I found out later, that I have lyme-disease (IgM and IgG positiv in a lot of tests!) (and other bacterial ilnesses which can in some cases cause joint pain, like yersinia). I know that there is a big debate about whether chronic lyme-disease exists or does not exit. For me, I am really sure that chronic lyme-disease does exist (in some cases). There have been studies which have proven that. Of course nobody knows how many people have chronic lyme disease but that doesn't matter.
And for my specific case it is as sure as it can be that I have chronic lyme disease. Of course there is some possibily for false positiv tests left, but that's always the case. And of course it is possible that my pain doesn't come from this or not only from this but has another reason.
So, I'm not saying it's totally certain, but it is as certain as it can be.
But my doctor, who is a specialist in pain, does not seem to understand. First he denied that it is possible (I'm not saying anything further) that my pain comes from lymes-diseas. Then I visited a specialist in lyme-disease who confimed that I have lyme-disease (he and another specialist in lyme-disease have confimend this several times now) and he seems (or seemed) to believe me now.
Or he seemed to acceped that it is possible that I do have pain due to lyme-disease.
End of Background-Info.
But I'm sorry, that is not what I want to tell you... It's difficult. Because the point is not that it is possible that I most possibly have pain due to lyme-disease (the chance is really high) but the point is that I actually do have very strong pain and that I want some treatment. But I don't get!
Or well, I do get SOME treatment (pain-killers from the doctor who is specialist in pain and antibiotics from the other doc occationally). But it doesn't help me enough. It is still so bad, I can't express. And the part of the last sentence is the point. I can't express. I don't know what to say. I don't know!! I am telling my doctor that I have pain and that it is strong! What else should I tell him? I do not know. Recently I have even stoped to tell him that I have pain, because I think he would already know if he believed me. I don't know if he does believe me because he sometimes pointed out that I don't have a prolapse and that there is a difference (?? don't know how to say) between the objective findings and my pain. So (when I don't say anything when coming to the appointment) he just asks me some stupid question about my work (because I work in research in a related field) and I give a stupid answer and thats all and than I feel really bad because I had the hope that he would help me.
You understand me?
There are always long brakes off silence when I visit him because I have no ideas what to say. I already said that I have pain, and he already said that there is nothing more to do for me (no more medication at least). Because he sais he doesn't want to give me more of my pain-killers and he sais there isn't an other one. The thing is that I know he is false. There are of course lots of other ones, I'm not that stupid. But from previous contact with other ppl and especially doctor I have figured out that it is a very bad ideas to tell them that you think that you think you know better than them. Of course I do not know if other pain-killer would work for me, I just know that they exist! But that is for sure! Maybe he knows and is just lying to me.
One time I was at he specialist for lyme-disease and he said he received a letter from my pain-doctor. The copied that letter for me. In that letter the pain-docter claimed that there is no good doctor-patient relation-ship. Well, I'm not the one who is lying. I'm not the one who is hiding information. I'm just the one who has learned that it is better not to tell the ppl who are hiding information what they are doing.
Why doesn't he just take it as it is?
Thank you for reading!
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