Stressed and tired.

Sorry, I haven't written anything the last few days. Christmas and New Years have somehow been stressful for me (not the kind of stress were you have to do a lot of things... a different kind of stress, but still stressful) and now I'm back at work and just very tired.

And I'm not too happy about my last entry so I want to edit that before I write something new. But I can't motivate myself.

At least I wrote an e-mail to a doctor yesterday and asked for an appointment. The office is closed until Monday, but I hope that I will get an appointment then.

I have to go to the gynaecologist as well, because I got the blood-values another doctor took and a lot of them are a bit too low and he now wants me to go there to check for internal bleeding. I don't want to go. I hate going to gynaecologists. I went there only 3 times in my life, 2 time because of my back-pain and once after someone did something with me I don't want to describe.

I can't really motivate myself for working as well. I write or read half a sentence (if that) or do one out of ten necessary mouse-clicks and then my attention goes somewhere else and until I notice the shift of my attention some time passes on. Then I have to remember what I was doing, catch my attention and try to pass on but the attention flies away so easily.

I don't know why this is the case... of course the pain distracts me very much. But it's not only that. I'm also very tired. And there are so many other things to thing about.

Thank you for reading.

Acute stress releases chronic stress

I somehow like acute stress (even though to me other things are an acute stressor than for other people, I guess). Because when I'm stressed I don't have time to think about all these thinks that worry me. When I'm stressed I'm in the moment. Not worrying about the future and other stuff going on. This is why I like data-collection. I know exacty what I have to do; yet it is very stressful because I have a lot of things to do at nearly the same time. Today wasn't exactly stressful, because I hadn't had a strait/tight schedule, but it felt even more stressful because I didn't know where to start and what to do at first and when I tried to do one thing it came to my mind that other things would probably be more urgend, so I break off my task and started a new one and so on... I couldn't concentrate on one thing for two minutes... So, I'm looking forward to the next period of acute stress. Then I will worry, but at least I will worry about less things.

I need time...

... to watch out of the window,
... to swing in my hammock-swing,
... to bus-drive without getting somewhere,
... to walk without getting somewhere,
... to jump stupidly up and down when happy/nervous/whatever,
... to think,
... to dream,
... to be at least a little bit of myself.

But I don't have any.