No hope, not sad.

Right now, everything is going wrong. Everything I do turns out to be false, everything I touch falls apart.

I know that this sentence sounds depressive, but it's not. Everybody around me has noticed that I have all the bad luck so it is not just my interpretation. But at least I could be sad or depressed about all my bad luck and all the pointless work I'm doing, couldn't I? Or I could feel sad about all the things I miss out on, because I do so much pointless work.

But I don't. I'm stressed and worried about my every day routine so much, that I feel there is no space for being sad. It's just worring, being scared, not knowing what to do, where to be, what to say, where to look at. Worrying about the moment, not about the future, because the worries about the moment are filling my head.

I don't know if this is understandable, but if I spend lots and lots of time on planing an experiment and then I can't do it because of something which is clearly not my fault (there is very damageable equipment involvet in the experiments, and it might not be me who damages it) then I feel just as fine as if everything would have gone well, because I on my side just did what I was usually doing. Of course I see that in the long run this is not good because I need to have results and thinks like this recently happen to happen to me all the time, but I feel not to have the capacity to think about thank now. I can't. It's too much because I worry about so many other things in the very near future (next few hours and days). This is different of course if something unexpected happens during my experiment, even if it is not my fault at all. Because then I don't know how to react. For most cases I have written down a scenario on "how to react if this or that happens" but if it actually happens, I can't remember, because if it is unexpected it means I'm not used to it.

So in general I'm ok with doing pointless work. I'm scared about the moment, so I don't worry about the future (too much).

Another thing is, I don't feel like this life is worth much. I don't feel like it would hurt to give this life up. I would not be too sad. But I am also not happy, I am barely living.