getting information

Today an intern of myself (from work) told me something interesting: she was doing a semester/term of her studies in a foreign country. The lectures have been in the language of that country but the literature was in English* and the exams were in English as well so that she could take part.

But the problem was that she did not know on what parts of the literature she had to focus because she could not take part in the lectures. And this was the same situation for me when I was studying. I could not take part in the lectures because they were loud and crowded so if I hadn't had to take part** I didn't because I didn't gain any knowledge from the lectures anyways. So I had just the literature - lots of literature, with no idea on what I had to focus and where to start learning.

The problem was enhanced by the fact that we hadn't regular tests but just very big exams in the middle and at the end of the studies. So I just learned twice, ever. And though I would get crazzy while trying to do you, because all this information where just too much.

Luckly this is done now. But unfortunatly the problem that I don't know on what I have to focus to get the information I need still exists. I don't know where to get my information. And because I don't know I'm really unmotivated to (try to) learn what I actually would want to learn under other circumstances. (There are some other problems though).

*wish is a second language to us, but we are used to it in the studies in our country as well because a lot of the literature here is also in English.
 ** Of course there have been some lectures where I had to take part because it was forced. But I didn't learn from it.

Gummi bears for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

It is so difficult to organize every days living. "Normally" I have muesli/cereal for breakfast and either rice or bread for lunch and then bread again for dinner.

But sometimes I get confused and me and my routine get separated. Or I'm just too tired to have breakfast before I go to work. Then I just prepare a bread for the lunch-break and leave my apartment without breakfast. Maybe I grab some gummi bears, maybe not. Then I have the bread at the lunch-break at work and for dinner it depends again on my motivation. If I'm motivated and not too stressed from work I make another bread. But if I'm too stressed or too tired I just distract myself until I'm really hungry and then I have gummi bears because that is the fastest way to get some energy.

On weekends it is sometimes even worse. On some days I need till 3p.m. to start eating, and I don't know what happens to this time... often I don't eat but go to sleep instead, because I feel so out-of-energy (but not hungry). And even if I'm hungry I'm not really motivated to eat. I have no appetite. It's like brushing teeth. It's necessary and I know it, but nobody likes brushing teeth.

So at the weekends it is often even worse because there is no lunch break where I "have" to bring (or buy, I choose bringing) some food. So I can stick to gummi bears if I want to. (Of course I could bring gummi bears to the lunch break at work, but I know that this would not be appropriate.)

I don't feel good with this. But it is so difficult to change something.

Stressed and tired.

Sorry, I haven't written anything the last few days. Christmas and New Years have somehow been stressful for me (not the kind of stress were you have to do a lot of things... a different kind of stress, but still stressful) and now I'm back at work and just very tired.

And I'm not too happy about my last entry so I want to edit that before I write something new. But I can't motivate myself.

At least I wrote an e-mail to a doctor yesterday and asked for an appointment. The office is closed until Monday, but I hope that I will get an appointment then.

I have to go to the gynaecologist as well, because I got the blood-values another doctor took and a lot of them are a bit too low and he now wants me to go there to check for internal bleeding. I don't want to go. I hate going to gynaecologists. I went there only 3 times in my life, 2 time because of my back-pain and once after someone did something with me I don't want to describe.

I can't really motivate myself for working as well. I write or read half a sentence (if that) or do one out of ten necessary mouse-clicks and then my attention goes somewhere else and until I notice the shift of my attention some time passes on. Then I have to remember what I was doing, catch my attention and try to pass on but the attention flies away so easily.

I don't know why this is the case... of course the pain distracts me very much. But it's not only that. I'm also very tired. And there are so many other things to thing about.

Thank you for reading.