"Saturated loneliness"*

*"And I wish there was something
Please tell me there's something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness" 
KoRn - Tearjerker

I can relate to these lines of the song "Tearjerker" from the Band Korn quite much.

Until the age of 16/17 I've had no friends. Not only no friends, I didn't know a lot of other people. Barley any.

Then I found the internet and there I met someone (on a political board) with whom I became very good friends over time. We wrote very many e-mails, hundreds of e-mails. Personal e-mails of course, and about politics and philosophy aswell. 

The internet and especially those e-mails have been my first touch to an outside world.

I printed some parts of the mails out and read them over and over again. Nothing has been more important to me. It is no exaggeration to say that hose e-mails kept me alive for a few years. I'm quite sure that without them I'd given up... completely.

This is blurry intentionally because it is an e-mail to me
and not to other persons: One of the pages I kept in
my pocket and read thousands of times.

Yet... after several years of knowing this friend and all the trouble we've gone through* I still feel lonely. Sometimes very lonely. Sometimes I feel very lonely and it is OK for me, but other times it isn't. 

Then I wish I could open up a bit more. Express my thoughts, explain myself. Tell what I'm thinking, and why. Explain why I am the person I am. And who I am. If I only could answer these questions myself. I don't know a lot about myself. But even if I don't know this, there are still so many thinks I know but can't tell. For some things I'm not brave enough, others are simply inexpressible.

I think one of these reasons connects to each other (not knowing who I am, inexpressible thoughts, being not brave enough to tell the things I know about me).

E.G. I was nearly 2 years in psychiatry. My friend knows this (of course, he knew me, while I was in psychiatry), I don't hide this information in internet (boards etc.), but at work no one knows. I'm not brave enough to tell this. They would make fun off me (and maybe not only this). I'm not brave enough to tell it a friend from work aswell. Because I don't want to be a freak. Maybe, if I knew who I am and if I were self-confident, I could tell everybody and it wouldn't have such a negative touch.

Other things I can't tell because I'm not brave enough are things I've done to myself. Like self-injury or eating-problems. (I'm judged for this again and again by my mother.) Or diagnoses I got (but I don't think that this is that important).

What might be more important to me are the inexpressible things. I would like to express them so much, but I don't know HOW. So I will for ever be loneli. Even if I'd be brave some day.

Thank you for reading!

* this would need a lot more explanation which I can not give in just a few lines... I tried.

Speaking, writing, expressing myself

I have so many thoughts going on in my head like crazy and can't stop thinking. But I somehow can't express these thoughts (with) writing or talking - I wish I could.
Some of these thoughts disappear when I try to put them into words in my mind.
Others disappear (and leave big hole of emptiness) when I try to write them down or to speak about them.
Others are still in my head when I try to write them down or speak about them, but the connection to my fingers or to my tongue seems to be disrupted so I can't express them.

I wish I could give more inside into my head or someone could read my thoughts.

This is also true for my doctor. I wish I could tell him more or let him read my thoughts.
Some days ago I received a letter* in which he says that I'm well adjusted to my medication, that a new medication I'm talking is working and that my pain decreased. All that is not true.** I don't know if he just write whatever he want to write or if he has totally misunderstood me. I have no idea, though, how he can come to the conclusion, that my pain decreased. Of course it is bad for me, if he thinks I'm well, because that means, I won't receive any further treatment (don't want to talk about help).

I wish some people could look into my head. If it weren't for understanding me, than just for information purposes.

Thank you for reading!

* I received that letter from another doctor. I it is a letter my pain-doctor wrote to that other doctor and that other doctor send that letter to me.
** There is more in that letter which is clearly false, but those are the most important points.

Guilt

I recently noticed that I feel guilty for pretty much everything. (Not everything, but A LOT of things.)

My friend reminded me that this I have improved over the last few years, because a few years ago I would feel guilty for preferring the false kind of yogurt or something like that. I wonder, though, if I really feel less guilty now of if I can just cope better with the guilt.

Today for example I have not been at work and I feel very guilty for this. I have taken holidays, though. And I have a certificate from my doctor, that I'm ill (pain, burnings, open wound cos of burnings*). And I visited another doctor (orthopedist). So I have had at least to reasons not to go to work (I also have a cold). But I still feel guilty.

Most of the time the guilt-feeling for me is so terrible that I just do whatever it takes to release it. I go to work, I don't take my holidays, I don't ask for anything (which might help me) at work, I don't ask doctors for help (I just describe my problem if that). Because I don't feel worth that and I would feel terribly guilty.

I don't think that is good for me, though. But it is difficult to overcome.


* I used the hot-water-bottle too much as pain-relief.

going on...

Two days ago I spoke to a very good friend of mine very long (on the phone). And I figured out that one part of the problem I have when I visit doctors is that I know I will feel very desperate afterwards because they usually don't help me, yet of course I put some hope in the visits.

Knowing that I will feel desperate afterwards makes me reducing the doctor-visits to a minimum. I only go when I really need to, like when I've run out of medication. Pain usually doesn't make me go to doctors anymore, because visiting doctors doesn't change anything about the pain.

Knowing that I will feel desperate afterwards makes now also feel desperate and sad already before I visited the doctor, because I'm so sure about the outcome and I get all kinds of depressive thoughts in my head when I only think about visiting a doctor (another reason to reduce the visits).

I try to tell myself then, that I can have depressive thoughts at any other time, but just not now, that I have to focus on something else, but it doesn't work.

Then yesterday I spoke to another friend (I know her from work, she's really nice, but I don't know her as long) about the same problem. I told her, what I've found out with the friend of mine. She asked me, why I am not angry at the doctors for not finding a solution for me. I don't know the answer to this question, it's just that I'm never angry. I'm always just sad. She also said/wrote that it must seem to the doctors like if I would feel guilty for my pain.

I don't know if I do. I feel guilty very easily. But not really for the pain. I think that it might be my fault, but I don't feel so guilty actually. So it is difficult to answer. She asked me then if I feel embarrassed. Maybe I don't feel embarrassed for the pain so much, but for being me. For all my problems, for my past, for not being able to cope with live properly.

She also said that the doctors could think that I'm a drug-addict, if I appear so guilty and embarrassed (if I understood correctly, I hope I did). That is actually a thing I worry about too, because there is nothing I can really do to prove that my pain is real and that I don't get any positive side-effects (apart from pain-relief of course) from pain-medication.

She, the friend I know from work, also suggested that she would go to the doctor with me and speak with them and explain them some things about me. That is really nice and I appreciate it a lot, but I don't know if this would make me appear even more strange to the doctors.

Anyways, tomorrow, on Monday, I will (try to) call some doctors and ask for appointments. Maybe there is one who understands me better and does all the examinations needed and finds a solutions. I hope. Because I can't live with this problem, so I have to go on, no other choice.

I could...

I believe (some things are not tested yet), I could...
... starve myself until I die.
... walk until I brake completely.
... stay awake until I get psychosis and even longer.
... bear being hurt/beaten/abused until I die.
... put my hand on a hotplate.

But I cannot save myself. 
This takes so much more effort.
This is demanding so much more.

I can not explain myself.
I can not talk efficiently to my doctor.
I can not explain my collegues what is wrong with me.
I can not brake the routine.
I can not jugde what is right or wrong. (So I do my best to please.)

I can not live*, yet I don't die.
I can not cope with this.


* of course I am alive, I am writing. But I am basically just hoping the hours pass by.

Sad

I'm so sad. And I can't tell why.

I have to learn for an exam, but I'm too sad to focus. I don't know what to do.

I forgot my hot-water-bottle at home (the thing from phillips which produces heat with blue-light is broken), so I have really bad pain. Maybe this contributes to the sadness.

Other than that, I feel alone, because I will never be able to have friends (for a longer period of time and who like me for being me), because I can't explain myself and I can't even tell who I am and simple stuff about myself.

Because I'm too fucked up.

(Actually no one should be facing the difficulty of knowing me. But despite I know this (that nobody should knowing me), I wish someone would. Even though it is impossible, anyways.)

Edit: I guess, I am sad because I realised that I will never be able to express myself thus not be able to have very deep friendships. So I have lost hope in this thing. Even though I always thought this I still had a little bit of hope. Losing hope (the remaing part of it) makes me sad.

A few pics

Here are a few other pics. I took them in winter 2001 with the digital compact camera of my parents. I found them on a backup-CD a couple of minutes ago.